1 00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:07,445 - Lemon... What do you think? 2 00:00:07,479 --> 00:00:09,414 "kidnapped bydanger, colon, 3 00:00:09,448 --> 00:00:10,999 "the avery jessup story, comma, 4 00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,951 "brought to you with limited commercial interruptions 5 00:00:12,985 --> 00:00:14,953 "by pride bladder control pads. 6 00:00:14,987 --> 00:00:17,205 Pride: Make every room a bathroom." 7 00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:18,456 - Really, is that the title? 8 00:00:18,490 --> 00:00:19,874 'cause as the writer, I was thinking 9 00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:21,993 Of naming it dancing with ophelia-- 10 00:00:22,011 --> 00:00:23,294 - Don't overthink this. 11 00:00:23,328 --> 00:00:24,495 It's a classic love story. 12 00:00:24,513 --> 00:00:25,663 Boy meets girl. 13 00:00:25,681 --> 00:00:26,965 Girl gets kidnapped by asian dictator. 14 00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:28,433 Boy makes movie to get girl back. 15 00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:30,768 Girl's so grateful she does birthday things to boy. 16 00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:32,053 Boy falls asleep. 17 00:00:32,104 --> 00:00:33,705 - You're forgetting boy meets girl's mother. 18 00:00:33,739 --> 00:00:35,223 They are creepily attracted to each other. 19 00:00:35,274 --> 00:00:37,108 - What does that have to do with avery and me? 20 00:00:37,142 --> 00:00:38,776 Just stick to the story, lemon. 21 00:00:38,811 --> 00:00:40,144 Tell it exactly how it happened. 22 00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:41,980 If you get this right, gay men will be dressing up 23 00:00:42,014 --> 00:00:44,682 Like avery for Halloween the next 20 years. 24 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,018 - Okay. 25 00:00:47,036 --> 00:00:48,903 Oh, speaking of Halloween, are you dressing up this year? 26 00:00:48,954 --> 00:00:50,154 - Lemon, it's March. 27 00:00:50,188 --> 00:00:51,188 - 'cause I'm gonna be mitt rom-mummy. 28 00:00:51,207 --> 00:00:52,740 I call it. You can't steal it. 29 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,075 - Why wouldn't you be mitt-zombie? 30 00:00:54,126 --> 00:00:56,995 - Because I'm an idiot! Oh, come on, liz. 31 00:00:57,029 --> 00:01:00,365 Think for, like, one second before you buy all that gauze. 32 00:01:00,399 --> 00:01:03,367 [exciting jazz music] 33 00:01:03,385 --> 00:01:11,392 ♪ 34 00:01:21,219 --> 00:01:23,988 - I didn't want to write a song for the film. 35 00:01:24,023 --> 00:01:26,724 I wanted to focus on making the film-- 36 00:01:26,742 --> 00:01:28,860 - What film? The avery tv movie? 37 00:01:28,894 --> 00:01:30,895 - But my manager, gary greasy, 38 00:01:30,913 --> 00:01:33,397 Harangued me to write a song for the film... 39 00:01:33,415 --> 00:01:36,451 - Oh, no, in her mind, she's already accepting an award 40 00:01:36,502 --> 00:01:38,119 For whatever this is. 41 00:01:38,170 --> 00:01:40,588 - I need to thank my co-writers, gary greasy 42 00:01:40,623 --> 00:01:42,857 And jesus, a homeless man I stole the melody from. 43 00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:46,344 We also filmed a video for the song for the film. 44 00:01:46,378 --> 00:01:47,629 Thank you. 45 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,748 ♪ kidnapped, my heart has been stolen ♪ 46 00:01:50,766 --> 00:01:55,753 ♪ I am kidnapped and I wonder for how long ♪ 47 00:01:55,771 --> 00:01:57,355 ♪ my darling gone so far 48 00:01:57,389 --> 00:02:00,091 ♪ but not forever more 49 00:02:00,109 --> 00:02:01,526 ♪ I am kidnapped 50 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,861 - [chuckles] that's awesome. 51 00:02:03,896 --> 00:02:06,263 I didn't even realize your song was the original. 52 00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:07,315 - What are you talking about? 53 00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:08,983 - Weird al. 54 00:02:09,034 --> 00:02:12,904 - ♪ knapsack, the zipper is broken ♪ 55 00:02:12,938 --> 00:02:16,958 ♪ on my knapsack and I lost my bakugan ♪ 56 00:02:16,992 --> 00:02:21,162 ♪ trapper keeper, snickers bar, my thermos hit the floor ♪ 57 00:02:21,213 --> 00:02:23,164 ♪ broken knapsack 58 00:02:23,215 --> 00:02:24,615 - What is that? 59 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,502 - Weird al yankovic parodied your song. 60 00:02:27,553 --> 00:02:30,722 Like, michael jackson's eat it or adelesomeone likes food. 61 00:02:30,756 --> 00:02:33,457 - [sighs] - it's a huge honor. 62 00:02:33,475 --> 00:02:35,560 Like, when people wanna see your boobs at mardi gras. 63 00:02:35,594 --> 00:02:36,928 - It's nothing like that. 64 00:02:36,962 --> 00:02:38,012 I'm calling my lawyer. 65 00:02:38,063 --> 00:02:40,565 Weird al corrupted something beautiful 66 00:02:40,599 --> 00:02:42,299 That was written to distract gary greasy 67 00:02:42,318 --> 00:02:48,189 While he came down from meth. 68 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,241 - Hey, kenneth, nice tux. 69 00:02:50,275 --> 00:02:52,944 - My father wore this to his high school prom. 70 00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:56,247 The theme was enchantment under the jim crow laws. 71 00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:58,282 - So, what's up? 72 00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:01,869 - Well, as you know, I recently had a minor setback 73 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,505 In my goal to become president of television, 74 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:07,458 But I'm ready to start over again at the bottom. 75 00:03:07,492 --> 00:03:09,377 - Well, we're not really hiring now. 76 00:03:09,428 --> 00:03:11,262 - I'll do anything. 77 00:03:11,296 --> 00:03:12,930 Except work in the sound department. 78 00:03:12,965 --> 00:03:13,965 Those guys are-- 79 00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,332 [dubbed over] beautiful geniuses 80 00:03:15,351 --> 00:03:16,333 --Holes. 81 00:03:16,352 --> 00:03:17,552 - Look, I'm sorry, kenneth. 82 00:03:17,603 --> 00:03:18,686 It's just the budget's really tight. 83 00:03:18,721 --> 00:03:19,687 - Okay. 84 00:03:19,722 --> 00:03:21,856 But if anything comes up, 85 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,609 Put a message in a bottle and throw it in the river. 86 00:03:24,643 --> 00:03:28,563 That's where I go every day to fish for shoes. 87 00:03:28,614 --> 00:03:31,566 Say, old janitor, 88 00:03:31,617 --> 00:03:33,484 Do you know if they're hiring in maintenance? 89 00:03:33,518 --> 00:03:35,903 - Oh, we're always looking for the next generation of janitors. 90 00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,872 Throw your resume away on the fourth floor 91 00:03:37,906 --> 00:03:42,026 And we'll be in touch. 92 00:03:42,044 --> 00:03:44,412 [all chatter] - okay, everyone. 93 00:03:44,463 --> 00:03:46,030 Welcome to the table read for 94 00:03:46,048 --> 00:03:49,083 Kidnapped by danger: The avery jessup story. 95 00:03:49,134 --> 00:03:50,701 Brought to you with limited commercial interruptions 96 00:03:50,719 --> 00:03:52,253 By pride pad. 97 00:03:52,304 --> 00:03:54,255 Pride: The world is your toilet. 98 00:03:54,306 --> 00:03:55,339 [all cheer] 99 00:03:55,373 --> 00:03:58,259 Written by elizabeth "diablo" lemon. 100 00:03:58,310 --> 00:03:59,376 We open on a midtown restaurant. 101 00:03:59,395 --> 00:04:01,545 Jack donaghy, 50s, big irish head, 102 00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:03,314 Sips drinks with avery, 30s. 103 00:04:03,348 --> 00:04:05,850 - Avery, do you believe in love at first sight? 104 00:04:05,884 --> 00:04:07,384 - I believe in two things. 105 00:04:07,403 --> 00:04:09,320 Fast money and fast curves. 106 00:04:09,354 --> 00:04:11,055 - We smash cut to a night of passion 107 00:04:11,073 --> 00:04:12,407 In a completely dark room. 108 00:04:12,441 --> 00:04:15,276 Bathing suit areas get a workout. 109 00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:17,728 Interior, hotel room, one month later. 110 00:04:17,746 --> 00:04:19,530 Jack sits on the bed in a tuxedo. 111 00:04:19,564 --> 00:04:20,531 His cell phone rings. 112 00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,033 - Jack, where are you? 113 00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:24,452 - We reveal jack's high school sweetheart, nancy donovan, 114 00:04:24,503 --> 00:04:26,037 In bed next to him. 115 00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:28,456 [ridiculous boston accent] - jack, who's calling ya 116 00:04:28,507 --> 00:04:30,358 At such a wicked late hour? 117 00:04:30,392 --> 00:04:31,692 Ya mother? 118 00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:33,744 - Jack looks around the wedding reception. 119 00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:36,647 Across the way, his friend liz-- think courteney cox-- 120 00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:38,216 Dances with a handsome pilot-- 121 00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:39,550 Think a young fred grandy. 122 00:04:39,584 --> 00:04:40,852 Jack turns to nancy. 123 00:04:40,886 --> 00:04:42,253 - I love you, nancy. 124 00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:43,521 I want to marry you. 125 00:04:43,555 --> 00:04:44,722 - Stop it, jack. 126 00:04:44,756 --> 00:04:48,025 Avery's here and she's knocked up. 127 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,760 - Jack looks shocked. 128 00:04:49,778 --> 00:04:51,095 - You gotta do the right thing. 129 00:04:51,130 --> 00:04:52,563 I'll miss you, jack. 130 00:04:52,597 --> 00:04:55,867 Go red sox. 131 00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:57,601 - My character seems so passive. 132 00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,270 I mean, what if I were like, 133 00:04:59,288 --> 00:05:02,206 "I need to sleep with you both, one more time to decide." 134 00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:03,574 I don't know, I'm not a writer, but... 135 00:05:03,608 --> 00:05:04,608 Do that. 136 00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:05,827 - Yeah-- 137 00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,278 - Liz, am I going too big on the accent? 138 00:05:07,296 --> 00:05:08,946 - No, that's how people from boston sound to me. 139 00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:10,081 - Great. - Lemon. 140 00:05:10,115 --> 00:05:12,917 My office now. 141 00:05:12,951 --> 00:05:14,385 - Hey. 142 00:05:14,419 --> 00:05:15,503 You have amazing skin. 143 00:05:15,554 --> 00:05:17,171 - I'm married to a woman. 144 00:05:17,222 --> 00:05:22,260 - I got four inches of steel that might change your mind. 145 00:05:22,294 --> 00:05:25,680 - Sid, how long will it take to get a cease and desist order 146 00:05:25,731 --> 00:05:27,798 Against weird al yankovic? 147 00:05:27,816 --> 00:05:29,300 Oh, that's too bad. 148 00:05:29,318 --> 00:05:32,570 Did they also take away your handgun license? 149 00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:34,305 - Don't do it, j-mo. 150 00:05:34,323 --> 00:05:35,907 You don't want to mess with weird al. 151 00:05:35,941 --> 00:05:37,141 - Oh, please. 152 00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:38,943 I'm not afraid of anyone in show business. 153 00:05:38,977 --> 00:05:41,746 I turned down intercourse with harvey weinstein 154 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,615 On no less than three occasions...Out of five. 155 00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:46,584 - I'm telling you, just let him do it. 156 00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,652 Eminem backed down. Lady gaga backed down. 157 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,589 - Tracy, I'm supposed to perform my song on fallon tonight. 158 00:05:51,623 --> 00:05:53,758 I can't do that now. It's ruined. 159 00:05:53,792 --> 00:05:56,711 I'll have to write a new song. - Don't you understand? 160 00:05:56,762 --> 00:05:58,179 He's gonna parody you again. 161 00:05:58,213 --> 00:06:00,998 That's what he does. That's all he does. 162 00:06:01,016 --> 00:06:02,633 You can't stop him. 163 00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:07,221 - Unless, I write a song that can't be parodied. 164 00:06:07,272 --> 00:06:08,339 - Impossible. 165 00:06:08,357 --> 00:06:09,640 What do you think phil collins 166 00:06:09,674 --> 00:06:11,392 Was trying to do with sussudio? 167 00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:14,511 - Which weird al famously parodied soup soupy-o. 168 00:06:14,530 --> 00:06:17,681 I'm not saying it'll be easy, but if anyone in the world 169 00:06:17,699 --> 00:06:19,901 Is talented enough to pull it off... 170 00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:20,952 - I'll make coffee. 171 00:06:20,986 --> 00:06:22,353 You also make coffee. 172 00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:24,622 After the coffee contest, we'll start working. 173 00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:26,657 - Yeah. - Really, lemon? 174 00:06:26,691 --> 00:06:29,327 You had to include nancy donovan in your screenplay? 175 00:06:29,361 --> 00:06:31,379 - You told me to write it exactly how it happened. 176 00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:32,580 - That's not how it happened. 177 00:06:32,631 --> 00:06:34,632 You took the facts and you twisted them 178 00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:37,868 Like chubby checker took the traditional standing dance 179 00:06:37,886 --> 00:06:39,503 And made a mockery of it with "the twist". 180 00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:40,972 This is a love story, lemon. 181 00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:44,041 You clearly have no idea how to write romance. 182 00:06:44,059 --> 00:06:45,542 - Hey, you wouldn't say that if you read 183 00:06:45,561 --> 00:06:47,345 My mythbusters fan fiction. 184 00:06:47,379 --> 00:06:49,046 It is sexy. 185 00:06:49,064 --> 00:06:52,216 And you're welcome for not twisting any more facts. 186 00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:53,985 Like the fact that nancy got divorced for you 187 00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:57,054 With no idea that you'd already gotten another woman pregnant. 188 00:06:57,072 --> 00:06:59,023 And when avery abandoned you for her career, 189 00:06:59,057 --> 00:07:01,359 You told her to go. 190 00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:03,828 - Jack, we need to talk. 191 00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:05,079 - Now there's this hot slut. 192 00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:06,730 [clears throat] hi, I'm liz. 193 00:07:06,748 --> 00:07:07,865 I work for jack. 194 00:07:07,899 --> 00:07:09,166 - Diana jessup. 195 00:07:09,201 --> 00:07:10,901 And I'm glad to see the endgame of feminism 196 00:07:10,919 --> 00:07:14,038 Is women dressing like dennis the menace at work. 197 00:07:14,072 --> 00:07:15,373 - Diana, I wasn't expecting you. 198 00:07:15,407 --> 00:07:18,242 - It has come to my attention that a television movie 199 00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:20,077 Is being made about my daughter. 200 00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:21,462 - I knew you would not approve. 201 00:07:21,513 --> 00:07:22,880 - Because it's crass, jack. 202 00:07:22,914 --> 00:07:26,467 Like personalized wedding vows or standing up in a pool. 203 00:07:26,518 --> 00:07:28,085 And to hear about it the way I did. 204 00:07:28,103 --> 00:07:30,204 My housekeeper started screaming. 205 00:07:45,437 --> 00:07:47,905 - I should have called, but I thought it would be awkward. 206 00:07:47,939 --> 00:07:50,408 I--I mean I thought you would disapprove. 207 00:07:50,442 --> 00:07:52,609 Not that there's anything awkward between us. 208 00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:55,496 - Of course there's no other reason it would be awkward. 209 00:07:55,547 --> 00:07:57,531 And I didn't dream that I was a sex slave 210 00:07:57,566 --> 00:08:00,167 To a squid-like alien with your head. 211 00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,003 Jack, if this tv movie will help, 212 00:08:02,054 --> 00:08:03,554 Then I won't stand in the way of it. 213 00:08:03,588 --> 00:08:05,139 But I am gonna stay here and make sure 214 00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:06,557 The jessup name is not soiled. 215 00:08:06,591 --> 00:08:08,359 - Of course, I'd love to have you. 216 00:08:08,393 --> 00:08:11,679 Uh, I mean, as a guest, not, uh, under a waterfall. 217 00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:15,182 - I'm gonna go freshen up. The train was disgusting. 218 00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:18,269 I flew here, but I saw a train from the window. 219 00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:22,973 - What are you doing? Leave. 220 00:08:22,991 --> 00:08:25,409 - No. This is weird and I am not letting it get any weirder. 221 00:08:25,444 --> 00:08:28,029 All my life, I have been the third wheel 222 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,248 That prevents people from having sex. 223 00:08:31,283 --> 00:08:33,701 - Well, movie's over lizzie. 224 00:08:33,735 --> 00:08:35,169 Why don't you head on up to bed? 225 00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:37,538 - Are you kidding? It's your anniversary. 226 00:08:37,589 --> 00:08:38,589 We're celebrating! 227 00:08:38,623 --> 00:08:41,492 Let's get these scabs off my knee. 228 00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:43,878 - In college, they called me "the blocker". 229 00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,713 - I don't need a chaperone. 230 00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:46,964 - I'm sorry, but you're stressed and you're lonely 231 00:08:46,998 --> 00:08:48,549 And that woman has flawless skin, 232 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,267 Like an organic chicken. 233 00:08:50,302 --> 00:08:52,836 I haven't had lunch. 234 00:08:52,854 --> 00:08:56,624 - Oh, you're still here. - That's what they all say. 235 00:08:58,722 --> 00:08:58,722 236 00:09:00,755 --> 00:09:04,105 ♪♪ 237 00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:06,751 But I don't think there are any small jobs, 238 00:09:06,785 --> 00:09:08,886 Only small people, 239 00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:12,557 Like children, or a giant who's very far away from you. 240 00:09:12,591 --> 00:09:16,510 All I want is an opportunity, sir, to once again work 241 00:09:16,545 --> 00:09:19,597 For the greatest company that has ever existed 242 00:09:19,631 --> 00:09:22,767 Since the creation of earth 800 years ago. 243 00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:28,072 [as the nbc jingle] ♪ I love this 244 00:09:28,106 --> 00:09:31,525 - This is everything that jenna will be wearing in the movie, 245 00:09:31,577 --> 00:09:33,477 But of course, jenna isn't as slender-hipped 246 00:09:33,495 --> 00:09:35,646 As avery or, uh, you. 247 00:09:35,664 --> 00:09:38,916 - Jessup women have terrible osteoporosis in later years. 248 00:09:38,951 --> 00:09:41,118 - You must crumble like greek statues. 249 00:09:41,152 --> 00:09:42,653 - You guys like factoids? 250 00:09:42,671 --> 00:09:43,788 Check this out. 251 00:09:43,822 --> 00:09:46,424 One in four americans has an std. 252 00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:49,660 Chlamydia, herpes, garden variety genital swelling-- 253 00:09:49,678 --> 00:09:51,929 - That's quite enough, lemon. - Rectal fissures. 254 00:09:51,964 --> 00:09:53,881 - Lemon, a word. 255 00:09:53,932 --> 00:09:56,550 Actor time-out. 256 00:09:56,602 --> 00:09:58,386 Just wanted everyone to know that I'll be method acting; 257 00:09:58,437 --> 00:10:00,104 Staying in character at all times. 258 00:10:00,138 --> 00:10:01,305 It's a technique that was invented 259 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,140 By constantin stanislavski 260 00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:04,558 When he was four years old 261 00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:06,277 And wanted to act like a pirate. 262 00:10:06,311 --> 00:10:08,529 - Uh, this is lance drake mandrell. 263 00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:09,730 He'll be playing me in the movie. 264 00:10:09,781 --> 00:10:11,649 - I'll be...Becoming you. - Easy, chief. 265 00:10:11,683 --> 00:10:14,518 Lance, this is diana jessup, avery's mother. 266 00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:17,455 - Diana, are you a time-traveler? 267 00:10:17,489 --> 00:10:18,789 Because I don't know how my mother-in-law 268 00:10:18,824 --> 00:10:20,992 Could be younger than my wife. - [flattered gasp] 269 00:10:21,026 --> 00:10:22,860 - Was that supposed to be me saying that? 270 00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:24,194 Because I would never use that much math 271 00:10:24,212 --> 00:10:25,496 In complimenting a woman. 272 00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:27,081 Their brains can't handle it. 273 00:10:27,132 --> 00:10:28,198 - [giggles] it's evolution. 274 00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:29,967 - That's exactly the kind 275 00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:31,335 Of stuff I need to know. 276 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,203 Hey, quick question, jack. 277 00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:35,589 Our underwear, is it regular black bikini cut? 278 00:10:35,641 --> 00:10:37,892 Or is it silk boxers with tweety bird on them? 279 00:10:37,926 --> 00:10:38,976 Because I have both. 280 00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:40,044 - I think you and I should 281 00:10:40,062 --> 00:10:42,763 Have a meeting with wardrobe. 282 00:10:42,814 --> 00:10:46,350 - The resemblance is quite striking, don't you think? 283 00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:51,605 The fighter pilot wrists, the hair like a mature otter's pelt, 284 00:10:51,657 --> 00:10:53,724 Shoulders you could ride bareback. 285 00:10:53,742 --> 00:10:56,610 - I'm sure you don't wanna hear this, 286 00:10:56,662 --> 00:11:01,482 But every woman here would love to slip it to your son-in-law. 287 00:11:01,516 --> 00:11:03,000 - Slip what? - Whatever. 288 00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:04,201 Drill him against a wall. 289 00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:06,170 The point is, that would be wrong, 290 00:11:06,204 --> 00:11:08,506 Because we all work for jack. 291 00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:11,208 But boy, I'll tell you that lance drake mandrell 292 00:11:11,242 --> 00:11:12,960 Seems like the next best thing. 293 00:11:13,011 --> 00:11:16,630 Wouldn't mind giving him the old skin flute. 294 00:11:16,682 --> 00:11:19,684 - Interesting. 295 00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:23,471 - Okay, how about this? 296 00:11:23,522 --> 00:11:26,023 ♪ don't say good-bye-- - are you kidding me? 297 00:11:26,058 --> 00:11:29,610 Don't eat that pie, don't eat my fries, don't wear that tie, 298 00:11:29,644 --> 00:11:30,728 Don't smell that guy. 299 00:11:30,762 --> 00:11:32,763 We got to be better than this. 300 00:11:32,781 --> 00:11:34,815 - All right. 301 00:11:34,866 --> 00:11:36,901 ♪ these lonely eyes-- 302 00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:39,203 - I'm sorry, did you just say baloney thighs? 303 00:11:39,237 --> 00:11:41,939 Because that's the name of the boat weird al's gonna buy 304 00:11:41,957 --> 00:11:44,441 With the money he makes off you...Dumb bitch! 305 00:11:44,459 --> 00:11:46,276 I'm sorry. I just care too much. 306 00:11:46,294 --> 00:11:48,212 - We might as well just write a song about pizza, 307 00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:50,998 Because at the end of the day, that's what it's gonna be. 308 00:11:51,049 --> 00:11:52,449 Oh, my god. 309 00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,284 If we did that, he'd be powerless. 310 00:11:54,302 --> 00:11:56,921 There's nothing you can change pizza to. 311 00:11:56,955 --> 00:11:59,456 - Because it's already weird. - Exactly. 312 00:11:59,474 --> 00:12:02,476 Weird al's about to get a taste of his own medicine. 313 00:12:04,646 --> 00:12:07,982 - I'm jack donaghy. 314 00:12:08,016 --> 00:12:11,635 I am jack donaghy. 315 00:12:11,653 --> 00:12:13,154 [wretches] 316 00:12:13,188 --> 00:12:14,638 Oh, god. 317 00:12:14,656 --> 00:12:18,442 This ice tea is so strong. 318 00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,411 [knock on door] - lance. 319 00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:21,612 I mean, jack. 320 00:12:21,646 --> 00:12:22,613 - What do you need, diana? 321 00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:24,248 I'm very busy right now. 322 00:12:24,282 --> 00:12:26,817 I've got to get to the bottom of this business case. 323 00:12:26,835 --> 00:12:29,670 - I wonder if you might say something negative 324 00:12:29,704 --> 00:12:31,205 About obama for me. 325 00:12:31,256 --> 00:12:34,592 - "hope"? 326 00:12:34,626 --> 00:12:35,793 More like "nope". 327 00:12:35,827 --> 00:12:39,380 - And what is your opinion on hybrid cars? 328 00:12:39,431 --> 00:12:41,799 - Prius is the latin word for impotence. 329 00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:44,168 [sexually flustered] rose wine? 330 00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,353 - Pairs well with failed suicide. 331 00:12:46,388 --> 00:12:47,772 - Oh! 332 00:12:47,806 --> 00:12:51,225 - Oh, you know, hey, this has been great practice, 333 00:12:51,276 --> 00:12:52,526 But I'm late for a tooth-whitening appointment 334 00:12:52,561 --> 00:12:54,028 And they just freak out if you don't 335 00:12:54,062 --> 00:12:56,280 Give them 24 hours-- - no, no, no, no. 336 00:12:56,314 --> 00:12:57,347 Stay in character. 337 00:12:57,365 --> 00:12:58,966 - There hasn't been a good 338 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,653 Non-boat painting in 5,000 years. 339 00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,855 - [moans] 340 00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:08,976 - Sometimes to prevent monkey business, we must create it. 341 00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:10,494 The blocker. 342 00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,366 - What do you want, lemon? 343 00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:18,969 I've gotta get to the bottom of this business case. 344 00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:20,654 - Ugh, do you really have to be here, lance? 345 00:13:20,689 --> 00:13:22,690 I'm trying to find a quiet place to finish this rewrite. 346 00:13:22,724 --> 00:13:24,425 - How is that rewrite coming? 347 00:13:24,476 --> 00:13:25,810 Maybe jack should go to the gym. 348 00:13:25,844 --> 00:13:28,762 You know, the actor playing him can do four boy pull-ups. 349 00:13:28,814 --> 00:13:31,348 - Actually, jack, the rewrite is not going great 350 00:13:31,382 --> 00:13:33,050 Because I'm the only person willing to admit 351 00:13:33,068 --> 00:13:35,219 How messed up this situation is. 352 00:13:35,237 --> 00:13:37,321 - Sounds like you need some advice. 353 00:13:37,355 --> 00:13:38,939 Ronald reagan use to say-- 354 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:40,057 - Stop right there, lance. 355 00:13:40,075 --> 00:13:41,391 Only nancy used reagan's first name. 356 00:13:41,409 --> 00:13:43,327 And only during bath time. 357 00:13:43,361 --> 00:13:45,329 - You've got a long way to go before you're jack donaghy, 358 00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:47,781 But, my god, you do have amazing eyes. 359 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:48,866 - Thank you. 360 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,567 - Oh, hello jack. 361 00:13:50,585 --> 00:13:53,237 Both: Hello, diana. 362 00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:55,572 - You can deal with liz, jack. 363 00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:57,007 I was on my way out anyway. 364 00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,375 - Wait, where are you two going? 365 00:13:58,409 --> 00:13:59,877 - Out for a drink. 366 00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:01,462 - Stop acting like me. 367 00:14:01,513 --> 00:14:02,880 - How is taking your mother-in-law 368 00:14:02,914 --> 00:14:06,350 Out on a date acting like you? 369 00:14:06,384 --> 00:14:09,220 - Uh, it's not, obviously. 370 00:14:09,254 --> 00:14:11,055 Uh, you two go and have a good time. 371 00:14:11,089 --> 00:14:12,356 - We will. 372 00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:13,858 It's impossible not to have a great time 373 00:14:13,892 --> 00:14:16,894 At planet hollywood. 374 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,603 - [wretches] 375 00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:27,821 - Ice tea. 376 00:14:27,873 --> 00:14:33,043 - [gags] 377 00:14:33,078 --> 00:14:36,497 - Jack, there's a reason I can't write this the way you want it. 378 00:14:36,548 --> 00:14:39,750 I don't care if it's nancy or diana or your insistence 379 00:14:39,784 --> 00:14:41,952 That the jack character have an awesome catch-phrase. 380 00:14:41,970 --> 00:14:44,088 - An idea that's off the charts, kemosabe. 381 00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,455 - You're living in a dream world. 382 00:14:45,473 --> 00:14:47,391 - Apparently because I thought you were a writer. 383 00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:48,976 - Hey, I'm trying to help you. 384 00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:51,095 Who do you think got diana and lance together? 385 00:14:51,129 --> 00:14:52,429 - The blocker? 386 00:14:52,463 --> 00:14:53,430 - But of course that doesn't bother you, right? 387 00:14:53,464 --> 00:14:54,682 Because there's nothing going on 388 00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:55,966 Between you and diana, 389 00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:57,851 And your relationship with avery was perfect, 390 00:14:57,903 --> 00:14:59,970 And the only problem is that I can't write. 391 00:14:59,988 --> 00:15:01,689 - That pretty much sums it up. 392 00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,140 You're fired, lemon. 393 00:15:03,158 --> 00:15:08,696 I'll write this thing myself. - Fine, but you are in denial about your life. 394 00:15:12,584 --> 00:15:14,301 That's not a way out. 395 00:15:15,253 --> 00:15:15,253 396 00:15:21,914 --> 00:15:24,916 - Hey, guys, it's me. 397 00:15:28,537 --> 00:15:31,539 Oh, my sandwich from the other day. 398 00:15:34,877 --> 00:15:37,712 I hate to waste food, but I'll probably get 399 00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:40,265 Free executive sandwiches like this forever. 400 00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:44,186 Nothing can stop me now. 401 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,905 [squeals] 402 00:15:46,939 --> 00:15:48,156 It's okay. 403 00:15:48,191 --> 00:15:49,441 I'm doing great. 404 00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:52,277 Everything's gonna work out. 405 00:15:52,328 --> 00:15:53,278 - Hang on, kid! 406 00:15:53,329 --> 00:15:56,331 We pool our tips. 407 00:16:02,404 --> 00:16:08,076 [musical lead-in] 408 00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:10,278 - Now, here to sing her original song 409 00:16:10,313 --> 00:16:12,264 From the upcoming nbc television event 410 00:16:12,298 --> 00:16:16,301 Kidnapped by dangethe very talented jenna maroney. 411 00:16:20,422 --> 00:16:23,058 - ♪ I eat pizza, I eat cheese ♪ 412 00:16:23,092 --> 00:16:25,593 ♪ I eat lots of broccolis 413 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,929 ♪ I eat ice cream way too fast ♪ 414 00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:30,782 ♪ burritos always give me gas ♪ 415 00:16:30,817 --> 00:16:33,201 ♪ fart so loud, fart so loud ♪ 416 00:16:33,236 --> 00:16:34,986 ♪ yum-yums make me fart so loud ♪ 417 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,771 - Kingslayer! 418 00:16:36,789 --> 00:16:39,374 - I've never been kissed like that, jack. 419 00:16:39,408 --> 00:16:41,376 - It's because we're so in love, avery. 420 00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:43,662 That's why we're perfect, avery. 421 00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:46,331 - Make love to me...Now. 422 00:16:46,382 --> 00:16:48,049 This is garbage. 423 00:16:48,084 --> 00:16:49,551 - [sighs] 424 00:16:49,585 --> 00:16:52,304 - Oh, mr. Subhas, your wife is on the phone. 425 00:16:52,338 --> 00:16:53,588 She's making dinner and she wants to know 426 00:16:53,622 --> 00:16:57,092 If you found any prosciutto today. 427 00:16:57,126 --> 00:16:59,594 - Why are you dressed like a janitor? 428 00:16:59,628 --> 00:17:02,463 - It's my new job. - But you just got promoted. 429 00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:03,631 - Well, I've had a few setbacks, 430 00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,134 But only a quitter quits, sir. 431 00:17:06,152 --> 00:17:07,802 So, here I am. 432 00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:10,522 Starting back up the ladder to my dreams. 433 00:17:10,573 --> 00:17:12,190 My career dreams. 434 00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,776 Not the dream where those two tennis sisters chase me. 435 00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:16,477 - You really are an extraordinary 436 00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:17,829 Young man, kenneth. 437 00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:20,031 No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up. 438 00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,867 - Medically, it's a neck ridge. 439 00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:23,335 - I mean, look at you. 440 00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:24,836 You're not just back where you started, 441 00:17:24,871 --> 00:17:26,487 You're doing worse. 442 00:17:26,506 --> 00:17:28,957 And even if other people say to you, 443 00:17:28,991 --> 00:17:30,458 "your life is a mess. 444 00:17:30,492 --> 00:17:31,927 Stop looking at your mother-in-law. 445 00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,161 I can't write your movie," 446 00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:34,596 You stay positive. 447 00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:38,216 You always believe that everything is going to work out. 448 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,334 How do you do it? 449 00:17:39,352 --> 00:17:43,021 - Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir. 450 00:17:43,055 --> 00:17:45,006 [whispering] I lie to myself. 451 00:17:45,024 --> 00:17:48,527 Every morning, when I wake up, I say, 452 00:17:48,561 --> 00:17:50,478 "everything's gonna be okay." 453 00:17:50,512 --> 00:17:52,814 But I'm lying. 454 00:17:52,848 --> 00:17:56,684 And I don't know how much longer I can do it. 455 00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:59,404 [piercing inhalation] 456 00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:02,457 Have a swell night, sir. 457 00:18:06,495 --> 00:18:08,363 - Let me guess, you're all watching 458 00:18:08,381 --> 00:18:10,665 My triumph fallon last night? 459 00:18:10,699 --> 00:18:15,036 - No, you gotta see this. 460 00:18:15,054 --> 00:18:17,973 - ♪ daddy's fightin' overseas 461 00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:20,759 ♪ lord, keep him safe for mommy, please ♪ 462 00:18:20,810 --> 00:18:23,361 ♪ can't make up for time that's passed ♪ 463 00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:26,047 ♪ but now he's coming home at last ♪ 464 00:18:26,065 --> 00:18:27,816 ♪ heart so proud 465 00:18:27,850 --> 00:18:29,150 ♪ heart so proud 466 00:18:29,185 --> 00:18:32,270 ♪ daddy make my heart so proud ♪ 467 00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:35,156 - Yankovic! He reversed the parody. 468 00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:37,742 He normal al'd us. I feel so-- 469 00:18:37,777 --> 00:18:40,829 - Honored? 470 00:18:40,863 --> 00:18:42,747 - I've gotta go call my dad and thank him. 471 00:18:42,782 --> 00:18:44,565 You know he was stationed at pearl harbor? 472 00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:47,735 During the korean war? 473 00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:50,872 - Well, congratulations, lemon. 474 00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:52,123 You were right. 475 00:18:52,158 --> 00:18:53,308 I've been lying to myself. 476 00:18:53,342 --> 00:18:55,410 Maybe my whole marriage to avery was a lie. 477 00:18:55,428 --> 00:18:57,629 - Whoa, no, that's not what I was saying. 478 00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,297 Everyone lies to themselves. 479 00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:01,416 I mean, I refuse to buy larger underwear, 480 00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,885 And it looks like when you tie a string around a roast. 481 00:19:03,919 --> 00:19:06,888 Okay, so we agree. Things are complicated. 482 00:19:06,922 --> 00:19:08,523 But that doesn't mean you can't figure it all out. 483 00:19:08,557 --> 00:19:10,692 You just have to get avery home first. 484 00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:13,645 - How? Lemon... 485 00:19:13,696 --> 00:19:15,814 We can't make this movie. - Yes, we can. 486 00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:18,400 We just have to do what you've been doing all along. 487 00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:20,735 Lie...To everybody. 488 00:19:20,770 --> 00:19:24,739 [dramatic music] 489 00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:26,992 - I'll never let you capture my wife from here, 490 00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:29,661 On the top of the empire state building! 491 00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:30,662 [groans] 492 00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:34,883 - Korean freeze ray! - Jack! 493 00:19:34,917 --> 00:19:36,668 - Nothing can keep us apart! 494 00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:41,456 Our love is off the charts, kemosabe. 495 00:19:41,474 --> 00:19:44,509 - ♪ I am kidnapped 496 00:19:44,543 --> 00:19:47,312 - Cut! All right. [bell ringing] 497 00:19:47,346 --> 00:19:49,230 It's a wrap. 498 00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:50,432 All right, now let's hurry up and edit this thing. 499 00:19:50,466 --> 00:19:51,966 It's on in two days. 500 00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,935 - Seriously, man. 501 00:19:53,969 --> 00:19:56,855 Call me. I wanna board with you at big bear, all right? 502 00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,157 - Lance, I wanna thank you for you professionalism 503 00:19:59,191 --> 00:20:00,641 On this project. 504 00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:01,776 - Thanks, jack. 505 00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:03,528 If it weren't for this gig, 506 00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:04,746 I never would have hooked up with diana. 507 00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:06,364 I'm not one to tell tales out of school, 508 00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:09,451 But she's a real hotshot at boinking. 509 00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:11,369 She boinks like a dog. 510 00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:12,754 I'm not a writer. 511 00:20:12,788 --> 00:20:14,422 She made me boink her this morning 512 00:20:14,457 --> 00:20:16,124 And at first, I was like, "please-- 513 00:20:16,158 --> 00:20:17,542 - I get it, lance. 514 00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:18,659 Uh, thank you. 515 00:20:18,678 --> 00:20:20,045 - Wow, it's just good to be, uh, 516 00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:21,662 Lance drake mandrell again. 517 00:20:21,681 --> 00:20:23,465 Get back to doing the things I love, 518 00:20:23,499 --> 00:20:27,668 Like getting high and going to the planetarium. 519 00:20:27,687 --> 00:20:29,471 - So, thank you, jack. 520 00:20:29,505 --> 00:20:31,606 Hopefully, the next time we see each other, 521 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,559 Avery will be home. 522 00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,613 - It'll all work out, jack. 523 00:20:38,647 --> 00:20:40,031 - Thanks, lemon. 524 00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:43,318 And, uh, thank the blocker for me. 525 00:20:43,352 --> 00:20:44,685 - Hey, when this movie airs, 526 00:20:44,704 --> 00:20:46,821 Can my name be the first credit that comes up at the end? 527 00:20:46,855 --> 00:20:48,406 - This is a group process, lemon. 528 00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,792 Don't be an egomaniac. 529 00:20:53,451 --> 00:21:07,125 Synced By YesCool www.addic7ed.com